


I'm So Thresh You Can Suck My Globes

by HunterM



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bisexual Female Character, Bisexual Male Character, Body Hair, Cock Worship, Embedded Images, F/M, Flashbacks, NSFW Art, Open Relationships, Oral Sex, Pansexual Character, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Survivor Guilt, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:00:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22352215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HunterM/pseuds/HunterM
Summary: Today will go down in history as the day Karkat Vantas achieved his redemption arc.
Relationships: Terezi Pyrope/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 11
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [godfeels 2, part 3: a good plan](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20777969) by [SarahZedig](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarahZedig/pseuds/SarahZedig). 



> This story is based on Sarah Zedig's Godfeels series! https://archiveofourown.org/series/1475819 It's not required reading for this fic, but it'll help a bit, and you should heckin' read it anyway cause it's good! This story takes place loosely between Godfeels 2 and 3.
> 
> CW: temporary mildly dubious consent, brief discussion of PTSD, flashbacks, survivor's guilt, and a thorough description of a trans woman's genitals, which might make some folks uncomfortable. Overall this one's pretty mild though, so I think you'll be okay! <3

The pieces are all coming together. A perfectly hatched scheme, a confluence of variables, a b-ball so tight and hot as it arcs tantalizingly in the air that the proceeding assisted dunk will land with the force of a neutron star plummeting to the court, injuring many audience members. Today will go down in history as the day Karkat Vantas achieved his redemption arc.

Terezi ponders over the oddity from that morning as she pours herself a drink, idly shaking her guest's frosty can of soda in her free hand. It's not that Dave's little stunt of kidnapping away her girlfriend for a “serious stribert rap sesh slash nature commune in the woods. real sweaty-chest wood-chopin lumberjackian shit. that's chopin like music to a forest dweller's ears. gonna befriend two bears and get a documentary made with herzog narrating over our hells of foolish demise” was that uncommon an occurrence. But it was barely a few seconds after June was ushered out the door that Terezi's phone buzzed with a message from Karkat asking if she was free. She can feel a twinge on her temple, a sparking crease of teal electricity, but she fizzles it with a little shake. Too much of her time has been wasted pondering lately.

TEREZI: SO WH4T'S UP W1TH TH3 SUDD3N V1S1T? YOU DON'T USU4LLY G3T SO N33DY TH1S SOON 4FT3R YOUR BOYFR13ND ST3PS OUT, K4RK4T.  
KARKAT: THANK YOU FOR THE KIND WORDS, TEREZI. I CHERISH OUR FRIENDSHIP AS MUCH AS YOU DO.  
KARKAT: I CAN'T JUST CHECK IN ONCE IN A WHILE? WE HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN EACH OTHER SINCE THE HOUSEWARMING PARTY.  
TEREZI: Y34H OBV1OUSLY YOU C4N COM3 H4NG OUT WH3N3V3R!  
TEREZI: YOU JUST SOUND3D SOOOOOOOO D3SP3R4T3 ON TH3 PHON3, 1T GOT MY M1ND R4C1NG W1TH 4LL TH3 W4YS YOU M1GHT H4V3 FUCK3D SOM3TH1NG UP  
TEREZI: 1T'S 4 D4NG3ROUS G4M3 TO G3T TH1S M1ND R4C1NG, K4RK4T >:]

She taps her forehead with a recently filed claw, smirking at the boy on the couch.

TEREZI: COM1NG 1N HOT

Terezi barks out a heads up as she tosses Karkat's soda can somewhere vaguely in his direction. His hands jolt up, but the can lands on the floor across the room with a thud. Terezi plops herself down on the sofa as Karkat grumbles and gets down to fetch his drink.

TEREZI: PFFFT WOW  
TEREZI: 4LL TH3 POW3R OF GODT13R 4ND TH3 B1G M4N C4N'T 3V3N T4K3 1T TO TH3 HOOP WH3N 1'M H4ND1NG H1M TH3 ROCK FOR FR33  
TEREZI: D1D YOU R34LLY G3T 4NYTH1NG GOOD FROM 4SC3ND1NG OTH3R TH4N THOS3 SCRUMPT1OUS R3D D3V1L'S FOOD C4K3 PJS >:?  
KARKAT: I'M NOT ABOUT TO START SLINGING MY AWESOME BLOOD BLADES AROUND YOUR HIVE.  
KARKAT: I COULD HAVE TURNED THIS CAN INTO SHREDS IN A NANOSECOND BECAUSE I'M TOO FUCKING POWERFUL AND EXTREME, BUT THEN YOUR FLOOR WOULD BE SPLATTERED IN FIZZY SYRUP, TIN SHRAPNEL, AND MY FILTHY MUTANT VEIN-SLUDGE.  
TEREZI: 1'LL P41NT MY H1V3 1N YOUR BLOOD SOM3D4Y M4RK MY WORDS

Karkat turns over and sits against the wall, holding his can up with a finger digging just under the pin, and Terezi's nostrils flare, not wanting to miss a moment of what happens once he opens that thing. She and June have been living together for a little while, and while it obviously falls most often on her good graces to educate her helpless pet human, June has managed to show her a thing or two. She's learned a few more mundane ways to feel the pleasure of tension. Not everything's gotta be a federal court issue. 

But then Karkat's tender tendon does nothing, that vital trigger finger hesitating in its comedy routine-bound duty. Does it know? Does the digit of a god feel some deeper connection to the very fabric of pranksterism, to the social script of narrative goofery? Lord knows Karkat is never consciously aware of such forces, or he wouldn't say half the things he does. Is that lone finger resisting its fate, then? Truly it is a tragic figure, aware of how hopeless its struggle is in the face of Karkat's need to get that fizzy shit in his mouth. It alone has Terezi's condolences for the cruelty it has been coerced into collaborating in.

When Terezi stops tunnel-olfactioning, she notices Karkat staring at her.

KARKAT: YOU'RE NOT WEARING YOUR GODHOODIE ANYMORE.  
TEREZI: >:?  
TEREZI: Y34H? WH4T'S 1T TO YOU?  
KARKAT: I DUNNO, YOU'VE BEEN WEARING IT EVERY TIME I'VE SEEN YOU LATELY.  
TEREZI: YOU M34N L1K3, TW1C3 1N TH3 L4ST THR33 MONTHS? B3C4US3 TH4T'S HOW OFT3N W3'V3 HUNG OUT S1NC3 1 GOT B4CK FROM SP4C3?  
TEREZI: DO YOU JUST 4SSUM3 3V3RYBODY CONT1NU3S B3H4V1NG 1N 3X4CTLY TH3 S4M3 W4Y TH4T YOU S4W TH3M WH3N3V3R YOU L34V3 TH3 ROOM? >:]  
KARKAT: SEEING HOW LITTLE YOU'VE APPARENTLY CHANGED IN OVER TWO SWEEPS, I'M NOT INCLINED TO RECONSIDER THAT MODEL OF PERCEPTIVE REALITY.  
TEREZI: D34R GOG, 4ND YOU'R3 3X4CTLY TH3 S4M3 L1TTL3 P3TUL4NT W1GGL3R YOU'V3 4LW4YS B33N  
TEREZI: K4RK4T, YOUR ROCK SOL1D PH1LOSOPH1C4L ST4NC3 1S G41N1NG SO MUCH TR4CT1ON!  
TEREZI: MY M1ND! 1S B31NG!! S-SW4Y3D..!!! >:O  
KARKAT: …

As Terezi dramatically clutches her head and groans like the gay lover of a distressed mutant who Mr. Fantastic just pointed a wooden gun at, a brief quiet settles in, with Karkat failing to snark back for once.

TEREZI: 4NYW4Y  
TEREZI: TH3 ONLY R34SON 1 WOR3 TH4T TH1NG FOR TH3 HOUS3W4RM1NG P4RTY W4S C4US3 MY OTH3R STUFF W4S D1RTY 4ND JUN3 1NS1ST3D 1 “DR3SS UP” N1C3 >:P  
TEREZI: BUT THOS3 S33R OF M1ND PJS SUUUUUUUUCK!  
TEREZI: TH3Y G3T 1N TH3 W4Y OF MY COOL SH4D3S 4ND TH3Y COV3R M3 H34D TO TO3 1N M1NT 4ND T34L, 4S 1F 1 ST1LL G1V3 4 SH1T 4BOUT BLOOD C4ST3S 3LL OH 3LL  
KARKAT: THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH SHOWING SOME OPEN PRIDE IN THE NASTY SHIT CIRCULATING OUR VEINS. WE CAN'T JUST PERPETUATE THE STIGMAS OF OUR OLD PLANET.  
TEREZI: OF COURS3 NOT, BUT TO GO 4ROUND 1N SOM3 F4NCY BLU3 UN1FORM 4BOUT 1T, L1K3 1'M ON3 OF TH3 TROLLCOPS?  
TEREZI: NO TH4NKS  
KARKAT: YEAH, NO COPS AT PRIDE. (:B  
TEREZI: NO COPS 4T PR1D3 >:]  
TEREZI: JUN3 H4S NO CLU3 WH4T SH3'S T4LK1NG 4BOUT, 4S USU4L  
TEREZI: OUR GODHOOD13S 4R3 "F4NCY" 1 GU3SS BUT 1 C4N L1T3R4LLY PUT TOG3TH3R 4 COOL3R OUTF1T W1TH MY 3Y3S CLOS3D  
TEREZI: C4S3 1N PO1NT. >:]  
KARKAT: UH.

She stands up to emphasize her point, gesturing to her whole deal. Toe to tip, Terezi is decked out in: A pair of plush dragon feet slippers, a baggy pair of bell bottom jeans made out of more patch than denim, held up by a minty teal belt, and a set of rainbow suspenders, settled over a wrinkled, eye-searing tie-dye t-shirt with the words “VIRGINITY ROCKS” printed on the front. The outfit is topped off with a couple of black square-studded wristbands that June got her because she says they make Terezi look like a quote-unquote “hot topic”, and Terezi likes being the topic of a discussion of hotness.

KARKAT: IT... SUITS YOU.  
TEREZI: 1 W4S GONN4 S4Y TH3 S4M3 FOR YOURS! >:O  
TEREZI: DON'T G3T M3 WRONG, TH3 S33R ROB3S SUCK, BUT YOU 4ND D4V3 H1T TH3 J4CKPOT, L1K3 YOU TWO WOULD B3 BON3R3D UP CONST4NTLY 1F YOU S3NS3D TH1NGS L1K3 M3  
KARKAT: DON'T WORRY, WE HANDLE THAT JUST FINE ON OUR OWN.  
KARKAT: WE'RE BASICALLY REENACTING EVERY SINGLE YAOI DOUJIN YOU'VE EVER MEMORIZED PANEL BY PANEL WHENEVER YOU, SPECIFICALLY, ARE NOT LOOKING.  
TEREZI: H3 H3 H3 >:]  
TEREZI: L3MM3 GU3SS: TH1S N3W F4SH1ON ST4T3M3NT OF YOURS H4S L3SS TO DO W1TH 4 N3WFOUND 4PPR3C14T1ON OF R1CH D4RK CHOCOL4T3 FOODSTUFFS, 4ND MOR3 TO DO W1TH HOW COMFY TH3Y 4R3?  
TEREZI: L1K3 HOW YOU N3V3R US3D TO W34R 4NYTH1NG 4ROUND YOUR H1V3 BUT 4 LONG SH1RT 4ND THOS3 BOR1NG GR3Y SW34TP4NTS?  
KARKAT: I-...  
KARKAT: THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ENJOYING MY BOONS AS A GOD.  
KARKAT: AND HEY, AT LEAST I'M ACTUALLY GETTING OUTSIDE NOW, SOMETIMES, UNLIKE THE OLD DAYS HIDING INSIDE ON ALTERNIA.  
TEREZI: CH33RS 1'LL DR1NK TO TH4T BRO >:]

Terezi raises her tall mug of some kind of Kool-aid concoction before bringing it to her lips, and some light glints off her teeth as she smirks and spills dribbles of the stuff down her chin. She broadens her nostrils again, her face twisting into an even more wicked grimace of anticipation than before, hedonistic as she slurps down her sugary drink and awaits the climax of her ploy. That tin tab clicks and pops, and a burst of bubbly brown foam jets into Karkat's face.

KARKAT: FUCK!!!

In an instant, she's upon him. Terezi presses her face next to his, sucking in a long, deep inhalation of his humiliation into her nostrils, giggling under her shaky breath.

TEREZI: 333H3H3H3H WH4T H4PP3N3D K4RK4T??? >:] FUMBL3D TH3 SPORTS B4LL ON3 TOO M4NY T1M3S, 3H???  
TEREZI: OHHHHOHO SH1T, 1T'S D3F1N1T3LY B33N SW33PS S1NC3 1 GOT 4 H1T OF TH1S!  
TEREZI: YOUR CH33KS 4R3 4 CR1MSON OC34N 4ND YOUR SH4M3 1S 4LSO 4N OC34N

She's merciless, cackling right in Karkat's face as his eyes clench shut and he shivers. Terezi accidentally snorts some root beer foam, shuddering in the depravity of it all.

TEREZI: MMMMM, YOU'R3 COV3R3D 1N BUBBLY L1GHT BROWN FO4M TOO, MR. CH3RRY CR34M SOD4 >:]  
TEREZI: WH4T 4 GOOD TOPP1NG TO GO W1TH YOUR D3GR4D4T1ON 4T MY 3P1C J4P3  
KARKAT: GOD DAMNIT..!!!

Karkat growls out his exclamation through grit teeth, and pounds the floor with a fist, his shoulders still trembling. It doesn't take more than a moment for Terezi to realize something's wrong.

TEREZI: W41T SH1T  
TEREZI: K4RK4T 4R3 Y-  
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU CRY1NG? >:?  
KARKAT: GHH-! MAYBE A BIT? FUCK!  
KARKAT: IT'S F-F-FINE!  
KARKAT: ME AND DAVE ARE BROS AND WE CRY SOMETIMES AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!  
TEREZI: BUT FROM SOM3 SOD4 1N YOUR F4C3??  
TEREZI: OH P1SS, SH1T, 1T W4S JUST 4 PR4NK BRO <:[  
KARKAT: NO, FUCKING-!  
KARKAT: THIS ISN'T HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO..!

Karkat wipes a sleeve aggressively along his face, like he's trying to scrub all the blush from out of his cheeks along with the soda. Sure enough, drips of red-tinted water prick at his eyes and some leak down his face as he tries to hide from her sniffer.

TEREZI: O-OK4Y UMM, DON'T WORRY THOS3 ST41NS W1LL W4SH R1GHT OUT!  
TEREZI: WOW K4RK4T 1'M SORRY 1 D1DN'T TH1NK YOU WOULD F33L TH1S-  
KARKAT: DON'T FUCKING APOLOGIZE TO ME DUMBASS THAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THIS..!

Karkat reels away from her, unable to even say the words. Terezi's empty eyes are wide as Karkat holds his temples tight, feeling like this throbbing won't stop, as he curls his knees up and hisses his shallow breaths. Terezi swallows, the scent-image of hunching down and clutching one's head in metaffliction, feeling oneself on the cusp of bursting, a little too familiar to her at this point. It's over quickly, just a passing attunement, and Karkat speaks again, breaths a bit staggered by an errant silent sob.

KARKAT: IS THIS WHAT WE'RE ALWAYS GONNA BE FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES?  
KARKAT: I MAKE MYSELF LOOK LIKE A PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT AND YOU DO YOUR WHOLE CONDESCENDING PSEUDO-HORNY SCHTICK ABOUT IT??  
KARKAT: AND THEN I FLIP ABSOLUTE FUCK OVER IT LIKE A STUPID DIAPER-CRAPPING WIGGLER AND THE STUDIO AUDIENCE OBEYS THE NEON SIGNAL TO UPROAR WITH LAUGHTER AT OUR DYSFUNCTIONALITY???  
TEREZI: 1 M34N TH4T'S K1ND4 WH4T W3 DO Y34H >:?  
KARKAT: TEREZI, WE ARE TEN SWEEPS OLD.  
KARKAT: I HAVEN'T TALKED TO YOU, LIKE-... LIKE ACTUALLY TALKED TO YOU, SINCE WE WERE SIX.  
KARKAT: AREN'T THINGS EVEN SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT NOW?  
KARKAT: AM- AM I NOT ANY DIFFERENT THAN I WAS AT THE START OF THIS STUPID FUCKING JOURNEY??  
KARKAT: I'M STILL A SELF-LOATHING WASTE TRANSPORTATION VEHICLE, THE WASTE TRANSPORTATION VEHICLE WHOSE ONLY IDIOTIC PARADOXICAL WISH IS TO BE ABLE TO LIFT AND CARRY ITSELF INTO THE DUMP BECAUSE IT KNOWS IT'S THE SMELLIEST WASTE MATERIAL OF ALL!  
TEREZI: >:?  
KARKAT: THANK PISS FOR THE MIRACLE OF PARADOX SPACE, SO ONE DAY THAT WASTE TRANSPORTATION VEHICLE MIGHT SOMEDAY ACHIEVE ITS ABSURD DREAM, PROBABLY BY CLONING ITSELF IN A LAB DURING A HIGHLY CATHARTIC PERSONAL ARC!  
TEREZI: K4RK4T  
KARKAT: HELL, I BET THAT, FACED WITH ITS OWN ECTOBIOLOGICAL DOUBLE, IT FINALLY CONFRONTS SOME DEEP INNER TURMOIL ABOUT ITS OWN SELF-IMAGE AND GOES ON TO HAVE A SATISFYING JOURNEY OF SELF-DISCOVERY AND UNABASHED SEXUAL AWAKENING!  
TEREZI: _K4RK4T_  
KARKAT: DOES THE NOW-CONFIDENT PANSEXUAL WASTE TRANSPORTATION VEHICLE REACH GODTIER TOO? FUCKING PROBABLY! AND I BET IT DOES SO OF ITS OWN ACCORD TOO, INSTEAD OF GETTING DUPED INTO IT LIKE A FUCKING MORON!  
TEREZI: _**K4RKL3S!!!**_ >:[  
KARKAT: WHAT  
TEREZI: LOOK, 1'LL 4DM1T TH4T 1 L3FT FOR 4 WH1L3 4ND 1'M ST1LL WORK1NG OUT HOW 1 F33L 4BOUT TH4T WHOL3 MOV3, BUT 1F YOU'R3 H3R3 TO P1SS 4ND MO4N 4T M3 4BOUT HOW W3 D1DN'T SP3ND 4 S1NGL3 D4Y TOG3TH3R ON TH4T M3T3OR TH3N 1'M NOT GONN4 S1T H3R3 4ND SHOULD3R TH3 BL4M3 FOR TH4T >:[  
TEREZI: YOU D1DN'T 3V3N TRY TO T4LK TO M3. NOT ONC3.

Karkat stares wide-eyed at her for a moment, his tears mostly dried by now, only to press both hands to his face, fingers dragging down his skin to droop the bags under his eyes even further.

KARKAT: THIS IS EXACTLY THE SHIT I'M TALKING ABOUT!  
KARKAT: I SERIOUSLY HAVEN'T CHANGED AT ALL SINCE I WAS A MISERABLE LITTLE CRETINOUS EDGELORD BASHING HIS HANDS ON A HUSKTOP.  
KARKAT: BECAUSE NOW I'M PISSING YOU OFF ALL OVER AGAIN BY MAKING THIS SHIT ALL ABOUT MY RELENTLESS SELF-FLAGELLATION  
KARKAT: WHEN THE ENTIRE REASON I WAS SO DEAD SET ON GETTING BACK IN TOUCH WITH YOU WAS TO SAY

KARKAT: _I'M SORRY!!!_

TEREZI: >:I

Terezi tilts backwards from her squat onto her butt, and from there onto her back, just splaying out loose on the carpet, a furrow in her brow. Karkat slumps back against the wall, letting his knees down, sticking his legs out and just. Breathing.

KARKAT: I WAS A SHITTY MATESPRIT AND AN EVEN SHITTIER EX.  
KARKAT: YOU'RE RIGHT, THAT I DIDN'T TRY TO TALK. AND IT'S NOT CAUSE VRISKA WAS TOO INTIMIDATING, WHICH SHE NEVER WAS. OR THAT I WAS BUSY GETTING DRAGGED AROUND ON A MAGICAL FROLLICK THROUGH THE DUDEMUSK DICKINGDOM BY DAVE.  
KARKAT: I COULDN'T FUCKING FACE YOU. BECAUSE I HAD COMPLETELY FUCKED UP WITH THE COOLEST, SMARTEST GIRL I'D EVER MET IN MY TINY LIFE.  
TEREZI: 1 4M D3F1N1T3LY WORTH H4V1NG 4N 3X1ST3NT14L CR1S1S OV3R  
KARKAT: REMEMBER THOSE ABSURD MEMOS I'D MAKE FOR OUR GAME SESSION? WITH THE TIMELOOP REACHAROUND CIRCLEJERKING?  
TEREZI: H4H4 Y34H >:]  
KARKAT: WELL AT SOME POINT I ACCIDENTALLY DID ONE ALL BY MYSELF? IN PRIVATE? WHERE I GOT TOLD OFF BY FUTURE ME TO STOP SULKING AND ACTUALLY BE THERE FOR YOU LIKE A HALF-DECENT FRIEND.  
KARKAT: ONLY THEN I BECAME THAT FUTURE ME A FEW MINUTES LATER AND GOT SO DISTRACTED ARGUING WITH MYSELF THAT I DEFLATED ALL OVER!  
KARKAT: I THINK THAT MIGHT BE AN INFINITE TIMELOOP I MADE, AND IT'S STILL OUT THERE SOMEWHERE? INFINITE KARKATS IN A TEN MINUTE PURGATORY WASTING THEIR TIME.  
TEREZI: 1 C4N'T 1M4G1N3 TH3 F33L1NG >:]  
KARKAT: BUT AS SORRY AS I AM FOR BEING A HUGE COWARD, THAT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO THE OTHER STUFF.  
TEREZI: OTH3R STUFF >:?

Terezi perks up, steadying herself on her elbows. Karkat sighs, wincing again slightly, like the throbbing is about to come back hard.

KARKAT: JUNE TOLD ME ABOUT THE OTHER REALITY. I MEAN, DEAR LORD, DID SHE BLAB ABOUT THAT FUCKING ADVENTURE. MUST HAVE FELT PRETTY SWELL TO HOLD ALL OUR EXISTENCES IN THE PALM OF HER STUPIDLY SOFT HANDS.  
KARKAT: I WASN'T JUST A COWARD IN THAT ONE, HUH? I WAS SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE TOO!  
TEREZI: K4RK4T >:?  
KARKAT: WAS I SERIOUSLY TRYING TO SLINKYBEAST MY WAY BACK INTO YOUR QUADRANTS LIKE THAT? GOING UP TO YOU AND DAVE ALL “SPARE SOME CONCUPISCENT COOCHIE MI'LADY?”??  
KARKAT: I MEAN SURE I HAD ENTERTAINED SOME THOUGHTS, BUT I'D RATHER BE A COWARD THAN BE THAT GENESLIME-PANNED..!  
TEREZI: WH4T 4R3 YOU... >:?  
KARKAT: AND LIKE! A QUADRANT DAYPLANNER SPREADSHEET??? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I EVEN THINKING?! “OH YEAH, NO NEED TO THANK ME, TEREZI, LEMME JUST DICTATE HOW YOU'RE GONNA SPEND YOUR LIMITED EXISTENCE BETWEEN ME AND THE HUMAN MALE WITH THIS HANDY DANDY SHIPPING CHART”  
TEREZI: K4RK4T, TH4T W4SN'T YOU  
KARKAT: DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I WASN'T SCRIBBLING UP NOTES THAT LOOKED JUST LIKE IT IN OUR REALITY, THOUGH?  
KARKAT: I WAS PLOTTING AND SCHEMING ALL THE TIME, DEVISING THE PERFECT APPROACH TO GET IN AND HANG OUT WITH YOU AND VRISKA.  
KARKAT: ...OH, FUCK MY CHUTE!  
KARKAT: I'M STILL DOING THAT TODAY TOO!  
KARKAT: TODAY, I... I PLANNED TO TRY AND GET YOUR ATTENTION AND MAKE AN OPENING TO APOLOGIZE. THAT'S WHY I HAD DAVE COME HERE AND DISTRACT JUNE.  
TEREZI: ...Y34H TH4T W4S OBV1OUS  
KARKAT: OH RIGHT, YOU COULD READ MY MIND.  
TEREZI: D1DN'T R34LLY N33D TO  
TEREZI: K4RK4T 1T SOUNDS L1K3 YOU'R3 G3TT1NG HUNG UP ON 4LT3RN4T3 T1M3L1N3 GU1LT 4ND, F1RST OF 4LL,  
TEREZI: ROOK13 M1ST4K3 >:]  
TEREZI: S3CONDLY, 1T S33MS L1K3 YOU'R3 US1NG 1T 4S 4N 3XCUS3 TO C1RCL3 4ROUND B4CK TO S3LF-FL4G3LL4T1ON  
TEREZI: WH1CH, 1F YOU'R3 GONN4 DO 1N FRONT OF M3, 1'D 4T L34ST 4PPR3C14T3 TH3 MOR3 L1T3R4L V4R13TY >:]

Karkat leans forward, arms resting down on his lap, as he just stares at the floor, unable to look right at her.

KARKAT: JUNE TOLD ME ABOUT THE LIST TOO.  
TEREZI: L1ST >:?  
KARKAT: THE LIST! THE SCARF FROM AN ALTERNATE REALITY BADASS VERSION OF YOU, WITH THE INSTRUCTIONS ON IT.  
KARKAT: ONE OF THE STEPS WAS TO SEND YOUR YOUNGER SELF A MESSAGE:  
KARKAT: “YOU DON'T NEED HIM”  
KARKAT: AND GOD DAMN WERE YOU EVER RIGHT TO! YOU DIDN'T NEED ME.  
KARKAT: I WAS CLINGY, AND CRINGEY, AND CONSTANTLY INSECURE!  
TEREZI: YOU, K4RK4T V4NT4S, 4CT1NG 1NS3CUR3? WHY 1 WOULDN'T 3V3N KNOW HOW TO P4RS3 SUCH 4 NOV3LTY  
TEREZI: 1F ONLY TH3R3 W3R3 SOM3 CONV3N13NTLY PR3S3NT-T3NS3 B3H4V1OR 1 COULD SN1FF TOW4RDS FOR R3F3R3NC3 >:?  
KARKAT: HEY, THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEGGING FOR VALIDATION AND BEGGING FOR FORGIVENESS.  
KARKAT: ALTHOUGH NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT I HAVE BEEN PRETTY FUCKING SHOOK ABOUT THIS KNOWLEDGE EVER SINCE JUNE RELAYED IT.  
KARKAT: GUESS WHAT? IT'S A BIT OF A BLOW TO THE EGO TO FIND OUT THAT THE WAY YOU CLUNG TO AND MISTREATED A GIRL WHEN YOU WERE A TWEEN LITERALLY LED EVERYBODY IN THE UNIVERSE DOWN THE PATH TO AN EXISTENTIAL FAILSTATE.  
TEREZI: W41T YOU WH4T?  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE “GAME OVER” THING?  
KARKAT: ONE OF THE KEYS TO STOPPING IT WAS LITERALLY TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND BREAK OUR MATESPRITSHIP OFF, BECAUSE YOU DESERVED BETTER.  
KARKAT: AND YOU DID! AND WE SAVED THE UNIVERSE! BECAUSE I WASN'T DRAGGING YOU DOWN AT ALL THE MOST PIVOTAL MOMENTS OF YOUR LIFE!  
TEREZI: >:/

Terezi moves to her feet in one smooth, sharp motion, her dragon slippers planting themselves firmly on the floor. With a gesture, her cane appears in her hand and she commands the room around her to move with her rigid step towards Karkat. With a cold strike, her caneblade roots itself in front of her, right between Karkat's legs, far too close to making a glancing blow. She sneers down from past her pointed nose.

TEREZI: K4RK4T V4NT4S  
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 NOT TH3 MOST 1MPORT4NT BOY 1N MY 3NT1R3 L1F3  
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 NOT TH3 3NT1R3TY OF MY L1V3D 3XP3R13NC3 W1TH BOYS  
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 NOT TH3 ONLY BOY 1 H4V3 H4D 4 COMPL1C4T3D R3L4T1ONSH1P W1TH THROUGHOUT TH3 3NT1R3 OMN1V3RS3  
KARKAT: …  
TEREZI: SUR3, US BR34K1NG UP W4S 4 F4CTOR  
TEREZI: ON3 OF M4NY!!!  
TEREZI: 4ND B3L13V3 M3 TH3R3 4R3 PL3NTY OF OTH3R "H1M"S WHO 1 DON'T N33D  
TEREZI: PROB4BLY 4 F3W "H3R"S TOO HON3STLY >:[  
TEREZI: BUT Y'KNOW WH4T? M4YB3 TH3R3'S 4 LOT OF P3OPL3 1 DON'T N33D! M4YB3 1'M TH4T S4M3 FUCK1NG B4D4SS WHO DR3W H3R OWN CH4LK OUTL1N3 4ND 1 C4N ST4ND ON MY OWN NOW W1THOUT 4NYBODY TO P1TY M3 OR HOLD M3 ST34DY  
TEREZI: SO M4YB3 WH4T 1 "N33D" M4TT3RS L3SS TO M3 NOW TH4N WH4T 1 W4NT  
TEREZI: 4ND 1 W4NT YOU >:]  
KARKAT: UH. I:B  
TEREZI: 1 M34N 1 W4NT YOU TO B3 TH3R3 FOR M3! >:O  
TEREZI: 1 W4NT TO H4NG OUT MOR3  
TEREZI: 1 W4NT YOU TO F33L L1K3 YOU C4N JUST T4LK TO M3 L1K3 4 FR13ND. W3'R3 NOT ON 4LT3RN14 4NYMOR3. NO ON3'S GONN4 SL1C3 YOU OP3N CHUT3 TO THRO4T  
TEREZI: 1'LL K33P MY 1NC1S1ONS D1SCR3T3 >;]  
TEREZI: 1T'D B3 COOL 1F W3 COULD R3CONN3CT 4ND T4LK L1K3 W3 US3D TO  
TEREZI: BUT TH4T M34NS KNOW1NG TH4T YOU 4R3N'T H4RBOR1NG TH3S3 UTT3RLY FUCK1NG WH4CK 1D34S

Terezi's chest deflates a bit, flapping her lips as she sighs out her bluster. Karkat can't stop staring up at her from his seat on the floor, his shoulders looking like they've relaxed for the first time since he came over. Hell, probably for the first time in weeks. Terezi taps a clawed finger on her chin, pantomiming the platonic image of a very smart person pondering.

TEREZI: DO YOU R3M3MB3R TH4T ON3 3P1SOD3 OF THR3SH PR1NC3 OF B3L-41R?  
KARKAT: IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT PARTICULAR EPISODE YOU'RE ABOUT TO REFER TO BECAUSE THE ANSWER IS DEFINITELY YES.  
TEREZI: 1 DON'T R3M3MB3R TH3 CH4R4CT3RS' N4M3S, BUT 1T W4S TH3 ON3 WH3R3 TH3 "PR1NC3" PL4Y3D BY W1LLLL SM1THH G3TS 4 CH4NC3 TO M33T UP W1TH H1S 3STR4NG3D LUSUS 4FT3R S1X SW33PS  
TEREZI: 4ND W1LLLL SP3NDS TH3 3NT1R3 T1M3 4S H3 W41TS FOR TH3 M33T1NG FL1PP1NG OUT 4BOUT HOW H3'S GO1NG TO SHOW OFF TO H1S LUSUS  
TEREZI: 1T'S 4 BL4NK SL4T3 Y'KNOW? H3 C4N B3 4NYTH1NG H3 W4NTS TO B3 1N TH3 3Y3S OF TH1S 4BS3NT33 GU4RD14N  
TEREZI: SO H3 T34MS UP W1TH 4LFNSO R1B1RO TO DR3SS UP L1K3 4 SUP3R B4D4SS H3RO1C L3G1SL4C3R4TOR W1TH L1K3 FORTY M3D4LS 4ND B4DG3S  
TEREZI: W1LLLL TR13S SO H4RD 4ND M3MOR1Z3S L1N3S 4ND 1T'S TH1S CUT3 M3T4 TH1NG 4BOUT TH3 R3L4T1ONSH1P B3TW33N 4CTOR CH4R4CT3R 4ND 4UD13NC3  
TEREZI: BUT TH3N W1LLLL H4S TH4T R34LLY TR1PPY DR34M S3QU3NC3 WH3R3 H3 M33TS TH3 4LT3RN4T3 UN1V3RS3 V3RS1ON OF H1MS3LF WHO R34LLY W4S 4 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR  
KARKAT: MAN, TROLL TV WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN HUMAN TV...  
TEREZI: DON'T B3 4 X3NOPHOB3 K4RK4T >:]  
TEREZI: SO TH3N H3 ST4RTS H4V1NG 4 CR1S1S 4BOUT 1T, B3C4US3 H3 ST4RTS TH1NK1NG "W3LL, WH4T 1F 1 R34LLY H4D TR13D TO B3COM3 4 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR 1NST34D OF 4 THR3SH3CUT1ON3R >:?"  
TEREZI: L1K3, WH4T W3R3 TH3 CHO1C3S TH4T L3D H1M DOWN TH1S P4TH OR TH4T?  
TEREZI: 4ND TH3N MOR3 W1LLLLS ST4RT SHOW1NG UP, 1N 4LL SORTS OF GOOFY COSTUM3S, 4ND TH3N 3V3N MOR3, UNT1L 1T'S JUST 4 S34 OF W1S3-CR4CK1NG LOWBLOOD COOLGUYS 4ND W1LLLL P33S 1N H1S R3CUP3R4COON 4ND W4K3S UP!  
KARKAT: FUCK, ALTERNIAN POP MEDIA REALLY WAS PRETTY MEAN TO LOWBLOODS WHEN YOU LOOK BACK ON IT, HUH?  
TEREZI: SO W1LLLL G3TS H4UNT3D BY TH1S 4LT3R 3GO, UNT1L H3 L3TS 1T T4K3 OV3R H1S M1ND ON TH3 D4Y H3 S33S H1S LUSUS!  
TEREZI: BUT TH4T W1LLLL N3V3R M3T 4LFNSO 4ND H3 FORGOT WH4T TH31R SP3C14L "P4L3 P4LS" K3YS W3R3 FOR  
TEREZI: THEN HE MEETS HIS LUSUS AND H3 TOT4LLY S3LLS 1T! H1S LUSUS 1S CONV1NC3D TH4T W1LLLL 1S 4 SUCC3SSFUL L3G1SL4C3R4TOR! >:o  
TEREZI: BUT TH3N TH3 ONLY TH1NG H1S LUSUS S4YS TO H1M 1S "YOU W3R3 SUPPOS3D TO B3COM3 4 THR3SH3CUT1ON3R"  
KARKAT: THAT WHOLE TALKING LUSUS PART WAS KINDA JARRING FOR SUCH AN EMOTIONALLY CHARGED SCENE.  
TEREZI: H3Y TH3Y ONLY H4D 22 M1NUT3S >:/  
TEREZI: W1LLLL'S COMPL3T3LY CRUSH3D, BUT OUT OF NOWH3R3 4LFNSO SHOWS UP, 4ND H3'S GOT TH31R SP3C14L BR13FC4S3  
TEREZI: TH3Y BOTH US3 TH31R "P4L3 P4LS" K3YS 4ND OP3N TH3 BR13FC4S3 TO BR1NG OUT W1LLLL'S TRUSTY BOOMBOX, 4ND TH3 B34TS W4K3 H1M B4CK UP TO H1S OLD S3LF  
TEREZI: 4ND H3 ST4RTS L4Y1NG DOWN TH3 MOST 3MOT1ON4L SL4M PO3M OF H1S C4R33R, ["1'M SO THR3SH YOU C4N SUCK MY GLOB3S"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6N4vQ6m360) >:D  
KARKAT: THAT WASN'T ONE OF HIS BEST SLAMS, TO BE HONEST.  
TEREZI: Y34H 1T W4S R34LLY R3P3T1T1V3, BUT ST1LL, 1T'S 4 GOOD MOM3NT

Terezi's leaning forward now, looming over Karkat, whose brow has only furrowed further, trying to follow along with her.

KARKAT: OKAY, I'M SORRY, WAS THERE A POINT YOU WERE MAKING HERE? OR WAS THIS JUST AN ATTEMPT FOR US TO BOND OVER MUTUALLY LOVING AN OLD SITCOM STARRING WILLLL SMITHH, RIP IN PEACE?  
TEREZI: TH3 PO1NT, K4RK4T, 1S TH4T YOU 4R3 SO OBV1OUSLY W1LLLL SM1THH, RO4ST 1N P13C3S, 1N TH1S SC3N4R1O  
TEREZI: YOU'R3 G3TT1NG SO C4UGHT UP 1N 4LL TH3 WH4T-1FS, SHOULD-H4V3S, 4ND 1F-ONLYS OF OTH3R R34L1T13S TH4T 4R3N'T YOU TH4T YOU'R3 GONN4 M1SS OUT ON TH3 H3R3 4ND NOW  
TEREZI: 4ND SO 1NST34D OF M1SS1NG OUT  
TEREZI: YOU SHOULD SUCK MY GLOB3S >:]  
KARKAT: WOW. VERY CUTE. THAT'S HOW WE'RE GONNA END OUR BIG FRIENDSHIP SPEECHES NOW? WITH BULLSHIT IRONIC FAKE-HORNY TEASING?

The two clasps of Terezi's suspenders can be heard unsnopping from their places on her belt.

TEREZI: D1D 1 FUCK1NG STUTT3R.

Karkat's eyes widen as the starkness of her answer hits him, and he stares with a tight jaw as Terezi fiddles with the buckle of her belt inches from his face. With a sickening grin on her own, Terezi slips her tongue along the razor edges of her fangs, staring at the wall as she's more concerned with pointing her nostrils his way than her useless eyes. In a moment, she slips her jeans down enough to expose the hideous lime-green boxer briefs she's wearing underneath, looking far too saturated to be possible under this lighting. Karkat can't help but lock his gaze onto the obnoxious highlighter day-glo lump right in front of him, his cheeks feeling tight with redness.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU, HORNY FUCKING GOBLIN.  
TEREZI: TH3 R34L QU3ST1ON, K4RK4T, 1S WH4T PR3C1S3LY 1S 4BOUT TO G3T 1NTO YOU?  
TEREZI: L3T US B3G1N TH3 N3GOT14T1ON >:]  
KARKAT: OH THIS IS FUCKING RICH. LEMME GUESS: YOU AND JUNE SIGN A STACK OF PAPERWORK IN TRIPLICATE PRIOR TO EVERY ENGAGEMENT, RIGHT? PART OF YOUR FLAPBEASTSHIT SADOMASO COURTROOM ROLEPLAY ASSHATTERY?  
KARKAT: SOME OF US KNOW HOW TO LOOSEN THE FUCK UP, FOR YOUR INFORMATION.  
KARKAT: BUT MAYBE MY IDEA OF A ROMANTIC EVENING DOESN'T START WITH A GODDAMN EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN AND PROCEED WITH AN ODOROUS BALLSACK BEING FORCED INTO MY FACE!  
TEREZI: K4RK4T

Her tone shifts a few degrees warmer but sterner, not speaking through a shit-eating grin for a moment. Terezi's hand sets down on top of Karkat's head, her palm spread wide, with just a hint of tightness at her fingertips on contact with his scalp. But within just a moment, her digits relax, idly massaging in little circles, her thumb gently scritching its claw just behind Karkat's horn.

TEREZI: TH3 S3COND YOU T3LL M3 TO STOP, 1 W1LL STOP.  
KARKAT: …  
TEREZI: TRUST M3, 1 4DOOOOOOOOR3 M4K1NG YOU UNCOMFORT4BL3 >:]  
TEREZI: BUT TH1S 1SN'T 4 ON3 W4Y STR33T  
KARKAT: I- AH...  
TEREZI: DO YOU W4NT M3 TO STOP?  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: S-SOME FUCKING MIND READER YOU ARE MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP ASSUMING YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK...  
TEREZI: HU3H3H3H >:D  
KARKAT: …  
TEREZI: >:?  
TEREZI: >:]  
TEREZI: ...SNIFF EM >:]

She's certain she can smell a hot red vein popping to the surface of Karkat's temple as soon as she commands him. Karkat, in turn, shakes like something's forcing itself up his esophagus, and he makes a sound like he's swallowing down bile, but it's all just hot air from his lungs. He shuts his eyes for a moment, and instinctively responds from behind the safety of a sneer, squinting back up at Terezi in retaliation.

KARKAT: “SNIFF”???  
TEREZI: Y34H! YOU DON'T N33D TO US3 YOUR MOUTH JUST Y3T  
TEREZI: GO 4H34D 4ND T4K3 4 L1TTL3 HUFF! 1T'S NOT L1K3 1T'LL HURT  
KARKAT: YOU THINK CRAMMING MY SCENT-SPONGE FUCK DEEP INTO YOUR WRINKLED GLOBE POUCH AND INHALING WHILE YOU STAND THERE AND WATCH ME WITH YOUR OWN TWO NOSTRILS IS SOMEHOW LESS PSYCHICLY APOCALYPTIC TO ME THAN PROVIDING A FUCKING TONGUEBATH?  
TEREZI: T4K3 4 W4LK 1N MY FROND-NUB COV3RS FOR ONC3, K4RK4T!  
TEREZI: L1K3, SORRY 1F TH1S 1S 4 B1T TOO 1NTRUS1V3 OF M3, BUT, COM3 ON  
TEREZI: W3 BOTH KNOW YOU'V3 THOUGHT 4BOUT 1T >;]  
TEREZI: H3R3 4LLOW M3 TO SW33T3N TH3 D34L 4 L1TTL3, 4S 1S ONLY F41R 1N 4 R3SP3CTFUL N3GOT14T1ON

Terezi splays her fingers out in front of Karkat's face. More tips and tricks from June, it seems. The subtle art of directing an audience's attention with the motion of one's hands alone. And Terezi makes a little show of it, her flair promising to make something truly amazing appear right before Karkat's eyes. She breathes a tiny sighing exhale as her thumbs hook below her waistband, and she begins to drag the final layer of cover down her hips. Terezi doesn't exactly look like she's never shaven, but the tiny flicks of each stray hair as they emerge give the impression of more of a “trim for special occasions” type of girl. Today is not a special occasion.

With a single slow shimmy of her wide hips, Terezi bares her magician's secret to her friend. Karkat just stays still and stares. It's not like it's his first or anything. Besides, he's seen his own plenty of times. But Terezi's penis is just... arresting, in this moment at least. She's half-hard already, her dick bouncing a bit playfully when it springs free from her boxers, and settles off to the side. Karkat's eyes trace along her little display, from the not-long not-short hairs at her base, curling very slightly, and find themselves guided by the twists of a thick, tightly coiled vein on the side of her shaft, threatening to go crosseyed as it branches and loses definition. Soft, sensitive grey skin bunches up around an exposed teal tip, Terezi's blood color on display in no uncertain terms for a partner that she trusts. The head of her penis looks a little choked, the dark teal skin having a faint wrinkled texture, like it looks eager to be slid free from the noose of foreskin holding it in and flare wide in the open. Everything about it seems like a paradox of sensitivity and bull-headed pride, of teasing, coy sophistry and raw, earnest vulnerability. It's a little bit bizarre that the genitals of an alien race from another universe whose physiology seems to borrow so thoroughly from insects and whose reproductive cycle involves the surrogation of a different, also insectoid alien species wouldn't involve, like, a tentacle, or a traumatically destructive nightmare club like those beetles have or whatever. Then again, considering how much trolls have socially in common with humans, it'd be pretty funny and ironic if their sex organs were near identical too with only shallow cosmetic differences. Definitely very clever and also satire. Wait, why is Karkat thinking about this now? Or is this Terezi thinking??

Staring at her penis isn't what he was ordered to do. Karkat tilts his head slightly, taking a moment to observe the girl's testicles. Terezi's balls are... where to even start describing them? They're big, for one. Bigger than his, at least. With how unshaven Terezi is, there's clearly some soft fuzz on them, thicker near her crotch but thinning out along the droop of her scrotum, until the skin at the bottom is basically all smooth. There's a soft, defined crease reaching straight up the middle, a seam right between each of her globes, only slightly wrinkled while her sack is in such a relaxed state. Karkat keeps his breath steady, watching Terezi's balls adjust themselves to the open air, tightening up a little unevenly, before drooping back down and settling. Despite Terezi's air of authority, it's not hard to notice the way her big, heavy, powerful, dominant testicles don't seem any less nervous than the boy staring at them. Karkat blinks a couple of times before he raises his hand, gently grasping it around Terezi's shaft and holding it to the side as he leans his face in closer, hardly an inch from making skin contact.

TEREZI: WH3N D1D 1 T3LL YOU TO J3RK M3 OFF, YOU 34G3R L1TTL3 SLUT? >:o  
KARKAT: DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF, FUCKBREATH.  
KARKAT: I'M JUST HOLDING THIS HIDEOUS THING OUT OF THE WAY WHILE I DO THIS.  
KARKAT: I'M NOT HERE TO GIVE YOU THE IDEA THAT THE RIDGE OF MY BROW IS AN APPROPRIATE PLACE FOR YOU TO REST YOUR PUTRID GENITAL!

Barely a second after slinging his impotent insults up towards his friend, Karkat takes his plunge. Shutting his eyes, he pushes his head forward, pressing his nose right into that faint seam and feeling her plump, full nuts cushion his cheek bones. They're warm. The small random hairs make butterfly kisses on Karkat's eyelashes. His face is in an arms race of temperature, a cold war with Terezi's scrotum that's rapidly heating up. It's... pillowy, actually? It reminds him of the sensation of, on nights that weren't too hot, slipping into a fresh pair of underwear and feeling his warm penis stick a little against his cool thigh before he would readjust his clothing. That slightly unfamiliar texture and heat on something other than his palms. Karkat furrows his brow and just takes in a hiss of breath, while Terezi stands there and watches with her own two nostrils. The girl's aroma had been wearing on him for a minute now, but taking a hit from the source is different. It's nothing like his own. It smells like being told that he can go to bed because someone else is going to keep watch for predators. Karkat lets out a long exhale, his mouth quivering until a pathetic “Hhhhah-!” escapes him. Terezi's eyes open wider, her grin creaking across her cheeks as she sets her hands down on his shoulders.

TEREZI: DO TH4T 4G41N  
TEREZI: DO TH4T 4 LOT

Karkat pulls away, terrified by his reaction, but of course he only stops because there's a pressing and important matter to bring up with Terezi. It's vital, and they should discuss this now, instead of thinking about the whine that just came out of his mouth.

KARKAT: HEY, I JUST REALIZED..! WE'RE GONNA BE NEEDING A BUCKET.  
KARKAT: YOU AND JUNE KEEP ONE AROUND... RIGHT?  
TEREZI: Y3S, TH4T'S R1GHT  
TEREZI: BUT 1 TH1NK 1T'S 1N MY OTH3R P4NTS POCK3T >;]  
TEREZI: 1T DO3SN'T M4K3 4 B1T OF D1FF3R3NC3, K4RK4T!  
TEREZI: TH3 DRON3S 4R3 GON3, R3M3MB3R?  
TEREZI: MY GLOB3S 4R3 1N3RT  
TEREZI: UNSH4K3N BY TH3 NOW NON-3X1ST3NT OPPR3SS1V3 S3XU4L SYST3MS OF OUR OLD PL4N3T  
TEREZI: BUT 1 WOND3R 1F 4 SCR4PPY L1TTL3 MUT4NT BOY C4N G3T TH3M TO F33L SOM3 3XC1T3M3NT?  
TEREZI: M4YB3 BY PROM1S1NG TO B3COM3 4 D3D1C4T3D S4CK-WORSH1P3R FOR TH3 R3ST OF H1S L1F3?? >;]  
KARKAT: WAIT A SECOND! I THINK WE'RE JUMPING THE GUN A BIT..!  
TEREZI: SH*T, K4RK4T >:]

Terezi rolls her eyes, really rolling her entire head, in a way she makes sure is exaggerated enough that Karkat notices, even in his state of disarray. Her hand slowly, smoothly traces down the curve of his cheek, before sliding behind his neck to grasp the hood of his outfit. Grinning with a sickening sourness, Terezi latches her claws onto the fabric and she turns herself around, "guiding" him to the sofa. Karkat yelps and falls to his side but scrambles to his hands and knees to keep up with her. She drops her fuzzy ass back down onto the couch cushion, wiggling her hips a bit as she secures her seat and then opens her legs wide.

TEREZI: COM3 ON BULG3R3ST, L3T'S G3T COMFY  
TEREZI: YOU'R3 4LLOW3D TO F33L UP MY L3GS 1F YOU'R3 4BSOLUT3LY TOUCH-ST4RV3D BUT DON'T G3T 4NY FUNNY 1D34S >;]  
KARKAT: OH YEAH, I'M DESPERATE TO GET MY PALM MEAT SHREDDED BY YOUR UNSHAVEN RAZOR FILAME-NMMPH..!?

His head goes down again, nose pressed under the stiffness of Terezi's shaft, and his stubble tickles the plush skin of her globesack. It takes a moment, but Karkat's eyes change from bulged and mock-betrayed, to droopy, to fluttering peacefully shut, as he just... let's himself feel it. Karkat relaxes his jaw and slips his tongue out onto Terezi's sensitive scrotum, breathing on it as he slowly drags his lips across her skin. He opens his mouth slightly and seals his lips over part of her globe pouch, finally doing as the girl commanded and sucking her extra fresh nuts. There's an undeniable saltiness to them, but there's no one flavor that overpowers any part of his palette. It isn't so much a flavor, as though he's sampling something to be consumed, but more of a sensory house tour: slowly, deliberately taking in something Terezi's curated over time and offered to share a small piece of.

TEREZI: TH4T'S 4 GOOD BOY  
TEREZI: JUST R3L4X NOW  
TEREZI: STOP TH1NK1NG  
KARKAT: MM-MMNH...  
TEREZI: 1T'S B3TT3R TH1S W4Y, 1SN'T 1T?  
TEREZI: YOU C4N JUST ST4Y L1K3 TH1S. M4YB3 B3 4T MY B3CK 4ND C4LL FOR TH3 R3ST OF 3T3RN1TY 3V3N >;]  
TEREZI: L3T YOUR STUP1D P3SKY L1TTL3 M1ND SHUT UP FOR 4 WH1L3... YOU'R3 L1V1NG FOR TH3 MOM3NT NOW, NOT STR3SS1NG OV3R OTH3R R34L1T13S

That throb. Not the one from Terezi's thick vein against his cheek. No, the one inside his head. Karkat's brow furrows again, and his mouth stops massaging Terezi's skin, leaving her testicle slick with a half-hearted kiss as he breaks off. He leans his head against her inner thigh, still breathing on her penis. Karkat's eye's dart up to her face for just a moment, but he can't keep them on her as he speaks, his voice sounding defeated.

KARKAT: THAT'S WHAT THIS IS REALLY ABOUT, HUH?  
TEREZI: HUH? >:?  
KARKAT: THIS REALLY IS JUST MORE OF YOUR FAUX-HORNY BULLSHIT. ONLY YOU'RE TRYING TO USE IT TO DISTRACT ME FROM WALLOWING IN SELF PITY INSTEAD OF JUST FLUSTERING ME LIKE USUAL.  
KARKAT: “JUST RELAX, TAKE YOUR MIND OFF YOUR TROUBLES, STOP THINKING ABOUT YOUR CRIPPLING META-CAUSAL GUILT COMPLEX”, RIGHT?  
KARKAT: I DON'T NEED YOU TO PACIFY ME, AND IF I DID, A PALM WOULD SUFFICE. A TEABAG IS A BIT MUCH..!  
TEREZI: K4RK4T, YOU'R3 P4N1CK1NG  
TEREZI: YOU C4N JUST 3NJOY YOURS3LF, OK4Y? COM3 ON, S4Y “4HHH” >;]  
KARKAT: NO! NO, I... JUST, STOP, I DON'T WANT THIS.  
TEREZI: …  
KARKAT: I MEAN- NO, I-I DO. I *WANT* THIS. BUT...  
KARKAT: NOT *THIS*, YOU KNOW?  
KARKAT: ESPECIALLY NOT IF YOU DON'T WANT THIS!  
KARKAT: LOOK, I'M A SAD SACK AND ALL. BUT I REALLY HAVE CHANGED! I'M NOT GONNA BITCH AND MOAN BECAUSE THE GIRL I HAD A CRUSH ON WHEN I WAS SIX WON'T GIVE IT UP. I'M NOT INTERESTED IN SOME FUCKED UP PITY SCREW! YES, OBVIOUSLY I WILL DROP TO MY GELATINOUS KNEES AND SLOB YOUR GLOBS AT BASICALLY A MOMENT'S NOTICE, BUT THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE HOT AND BECAUSE I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MAKING YOU HAPPY! I'M NOT GONNA WASTE YOUR TIME FORCING YOU TO WATCH SOME BLUBBERING NINCOMPOOP FONDLE YOUR FRONDLES BECAUSE YOU THINK HE NEEDS A SOOTHER TO SUCK ON JUST TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY-

Terezi's hands settle on Karkat's head, thumbs and forefingers just slightly pinching the bases of his horns.

TEREZI: K4RK4T. BR34TH3.  
TEREZI: 1 W4NT TH1S. >:]

Karkat gasps in a couple lungfuls of air, his manic episode settling down before Terezi's nose. Even his eyes calm down and flutter near-closed as she rubs the skin at the base of his horns. Karkat nods and brings a knuckle up to his face, rubbing his eye dry, before sniffling just once. Terezi guides his hand up and leans forward to lick the tear from the back of it, swirling her tongue around her lips and fangs in a menacing motion, like she's promising to cast those self-pitying thoughts into a nightmarish blender if they rear their heads again. Or maybe she's just savoring the salty-sweet clear-red taste. She then sets his hand down on her stiff cock, leaving it to him. With one more steadying breath, Karkat lowers his head back between her thighs and licks up her ballsack once more, starting to stroke his fingers up and down Terezi's penis.

KARKAT: UGH. SORRY ABOUT THAT.  
KARKAT: IT'S JUST...  
KARKAT: ALL THIS SHAME AND EMBARRASSMENT FROM ANOTHER, YOUNGER, SHITTIER ME. IT HITS ME LIKE A LOAD OF RED CAST FIRED CLAY CONSTRUCTION PRISMS.  
KARKAT: I KNOW IT'S NOT ME. BUT IT FEELS... REAL? RAW?  
KARKAT: AND KNOWING THAT I'M CAPABLE OF BEING... LIKE THAT, IT JUST...  
TEREZI: >:/  
TEREZI: L3T M3 T3LL YOU SOM3TH1NG 4BOUT B31NG "C4P4BL3 OF"  
TEREZI: TH4T OTH3R R34L1TY?  
TEREZI: TH4T 1SN'T TH3 ONLY ON3 WH3R3 TH1NGS GOT FUCK3D UP  
TEREZI: TH3R3 4R3 1NF1N1T3 R34L1T13S WH3R3 W3 H4V3 B33N HORR1BL3 P3OPL3  
TEREZI: K4RK4T, W3'V3 DON3 4WFUL TH1NGS. 4WFUL TH1NGS TO 34CH OTH3R <:[

Terezi leans her head back, tucking it against the couch cushion as her horns poke holes into the covers, matching a few dozen other punctures along the fabric. She breathes in and out slowly, performatively. Karkat keeps his eyes trained on her as he takes both of her testicles into his mouth, being cautious not to nip them too sharply with his janky teeth. Careful and gentle.

TEREZI: BUT TH4T WON'T B3 TH1S R34L1TY  
TEREZI: 1T'S 4 W4ST3 OF MY T1M3 TO G3T P4R4NO1D OV3R 4LL TH3 TH1NGS W3'R3 "C4P4BL3 OF", 4LL TH3 W4YS W3 M1GHT HURT 34CH OTH3R  
TEREZI: MMNPH... <3  
TEREZI: 3SP3C14LLY WH3N 1 C4N PR3D1CT 4LL TH3S3 W4YS YOU C4N M4K3 M3 F33L GOOD 1NST34D >;]  
KARKAT: MMMNH... MNAHH~ BUT...

Karkat hesitates as he tries to form the right words, licking up at the fuzzier part of her sack. It's hard enough for him to fish the right fragments of ephemeral, unfamiliar ideas out of the void of concept space and jigsaw them together even without the distraction of a girl's fat, musky nuts steaming in his face.

KARKAT: IS IT REALLY OKAY TO JUST DO THAT? JUST IGNORE EVERYTHING ABOUT THESE OTHER VERSIONS OF US?  
KARKAT: I'M NOT A GOD OF MINDS, TEREZI.  
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN TURN MY PAN OFF LIKE YOU CAN.  
TEREZI: MY TH1NKP4N DO3SN'T TURN OFF  
TEREZI: 3V3R >:I  
TEREZI: MY M1ND 1S B31NG BOMB4RD3D W1TH D4T4 FROM 4 W3B OF R34L1T13S BOTH D3F1N1T3 4ND HYPOTH3T1C4L 3V3RY S3COND OF 3V3RY D4Y  
TEREZI: 1 C4N'T SN4P MY F1NG3RS 4ND TURN 1T OFF  
TEREZI: 1 JUST L34RN3D HOW TO S3P4R4T3 S1GN4L FROM NO1S3  
TEREZI: OOF... 4ND TH1S 1S DO1NG SOM3 PR3TTY GOOD NO1S3 D4MP3N1NG, HU3H3H >:]  
TEREZI: J3RK 1T F4ST3R

Terezi trills as the boy grips her shaft tighter, tugging it like she demands. She can tell Karkat is used to using his left hand for this, as his motion comes so naturally to his wrist, like it's second nature. His thumb circles her tip, rubbing her precum into the tight flared teal and slipping the last fold of foreskin out of the way for her excited crown to bulge out freely. Karkat nuzzles his nose along Terezi's ballsack, but his mouth is lazy, like his heart's not quite in it.

KARKAT: I...  
KARKAT: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HAVING THIS PROBLEM TOO.  
TEREZI: 1T'S B33N L1K3 TH1S S1NC3 1 W4S S3-H3HH-3V3N  
TEREZI: OH FUCK, YOUR H4NDS 4R3 GOOD 4T TH4T...  
TEREZI: JUNK D4T4 FLOOD1NG MY H34D, US3L3SS 4WFUL STUFF FROM OTH3R R34L1T13S TH4T H4V3 NOTH1NG TO DO W1TH M3  
TEREZI: SUR3, 1'M 4 M3G4M1ND G3N1US, BUT WH3N 1'M 4 GOD ON 4 P34C3FUL PL4N3T, WH4T US3 1S 1T TO S33 4LL TH3S3 OUTCOM3S 1 KNOW WON'T H4PP3N?  
TEREZI: SORRY FOR 4PP4R3NTLY DOOM1NG YOU TO 4 S1M1L4R F4T3, K4RK4T  
TEREZI: T4LK 4BOUT SOM3TH1NG 1 D1DN'T S33 COM1NG >:/  
KARKAT: MNNNH... WELL, I MEAN...

Karkat hangs on her words, suckling the smooth underside of her globesack, taking to the task with a renewed vigor as he feels her organ quivering. He can tell just through her pulse that she's getting close. He speaks up between embarrassingly loud smacks of his lips kissing her hot salty nuts.

KARKAT: IT WAS ALL THAT JUNK DATA AND AWFUL SHITTY STUFF THAT YOU USED TO SAVE ALL OUR LIVES MULTIPLE TIMES, WASN'T IT?  
TEREZI: HMM? >:?  
KARKAT: I MEAN, THE STUFF ON THE LIST! NONE OF IT WAS HUGE EPIC THINGS. JUST TINY LITTLE SUBTLE CHANGES THROUGHOUT OUR REALITY THAT YOU FIGURED OUT WERE THE REAL PIVOTAL SPOTS TO STRIKE.  
KARKAT: YOU LOOKED FOR THE SMALLEST CRACKS AND STARTED PUTTING PRESSURE ON THEM TO BREAK THE CASE OPEN AND CHANGE OUR ENTIRE FUTURE.  
KARKAT: I'M NOT SAYING IT'S YOUR “DUTY” TO DEAL WITH ALL THAT NOISE, AND IF YOU WANT HELP TURNING YOUR PAN OFF SOMETIMES, I WILL!  
KARKAT: BUT, MAYBE THERE'S A REASON..?  
KARKAT: MAYBE THAT NOISE ISN'T USELESS.

Terezi's hips gyrate a little, grinding against his face as he talks and licks, and she can smell the way Karkat's gaze has sharpened. He looks more focused than he has all day, eyes trained on Terezi's face as he speaks. Karkat's face is red hot, but his mouth keeps on going, for good or ill. His eyes stumble about as much as his thoughts do, not seeing the twinge on Terezi's eyebrows.

KARKAT: AND-... AND IF YOUR BULLSHIT ISN'T POINTLESS, THEN MAYBE MINE..?  
KARKAT: LOOK, IT'S NOT LIKE FEELING CRIPPLING SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT OVER A YOUNGER VERSION OF MYSELF IS SOMETHING UTTERLY UNHEARD OF FOR ME!  
KARKAT: I KNOW THERE'S INFINITE OTHER REALITIES OUT THERE, WITH INFINITE KARKATS MAKING GODDAMN BUFFOONS OUT OF THEMSELVES.  
KARKAT: AND YEAH, SURE, IT MAKES ME CRINGE INSIDE OUT TO THINK OF THE ME THAT PRACTICALLY BEGGED TEREZI TO DO ME THE FAVOR OF PAYING ME ATTENTION, OR THE ME THAT'S EVEN OLDER THAN I AM NOW, WHO NEVER TOLD DAVE I L-LOVE HIM..!  
KARKAT: BUT MAYBE...  
KARKAT: MAYBE IT'S GOOD THAT THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO SHITTY??  
KARKAT: BECAUSE THAT SHITTY, PISS-BOILING FEELING MAKES ME SO MUCH MORE CERTAIN THAT I DON'T WANT TO SCREW UP AND HURT YOU ALL LIKE THEY DID..!

Karkat's fingers have slowed to a heavy pet, his tongue dragging lovingly along Terezi's scrotum as he tries to untangle his thoughts. He only looks up to her for a moment, then back down to her beautiful girlcock, but really he's staring past it.

KARKAT: MAYBE THAT JUNK DATA *DOESN'T* HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH US.  
KARKAT: MAYBE EVERY VERSION OF US IN EVERY REALITY HAS SOME KIND OF BEARING ON THE REAL ESSENCE OF WHO WE ARE.

Karkat feels a sweaty pair of hands clasp onto the sides of his head, and when he glances back up, he sees an expression on Terezi's face he's never seen before. She's teal all over, her wide grin crooked and creaking, teeth practically chattering as she pants hot steamy breaths. Her shaking fingers grasp tightly onto Karkat's scalp, thumbs on his cheeks.

TEREZI: _F1N1SH YOUR JOB R1GHT TH3 GOG D4MN H3LL NOW, YOU D3L1C1OUS L1TTL3 B1TCH!!!_ >:D

Karkat swallows hard at her order, his brow settling lower as he nods to her. Terezi could swear she can smell a fire lighting in his eyes. Or at the very least, she can smell the smoke coming out his ears. Karkat defies her, if only barely. He slips his arms underneath Terezi's legs and hoists, lifting her hips up as he straightens his back to loom over her on his knees. Terezi's cock and balls fall out of the way as her ass gets raised up, and Karkat doesn't waste a second before pressing his face down into her taint. The boy nuzzles tight between her ass cheeks and opens wide, Terezi gasping as she feels Karkat's broad tongue circle her tight-clenching hole.

TEREZI: O-OH, FUCK..! K4RK4T, HOLY SH1- _44H-!_ <3  
TEREZI: YOU CH-CH-CH34T1NG L1TTL3 FU-U33K-FUCKBOY! <3 >:o

Terezi's ring of muscle is dark grey, darker than any other part of her body that Karkat's seen, and encircled by a thin, scraggly patch of black hairs. Apparently she doesn't trim back here quite as often as she does in the front. Right at the center of her trembling asshole is the cutest little hint of dark blue hue, showing itself a bit each time she twitches. Karkat's tongue takes to it like a bullseye, sealing his mouth over the soft sensitive skin and making out with Terezi for the first time in sweeps. He doesn't care about her hair tickling his lips, not when his own is irritating her right back. They're both too set on this crash landing to care for any trivial nonsense right now. The seam of skin reaching up under her balls is flexed, clenched tight and pulsing hard right against his nose, her body working itself up to complete their little transaction. Karkat's eyes crack open just enough to watch Terezi's testicles clenching up, her ballsack tightening so much that there's only one thing it could mean. He doesn't stop, riding this high all the way to her bottom, as the tip of his tongue prods just barely into her entrance. Terezi's fingers brush through his hair and grab his horns, the girl writhing and groaning on the couch. In a moment, her head shudders and perks up, her glasses set askew, and Karkat can see her wide eyes.

TEREZI: OOH-!  
TEREZI: OH- OH GOD..! F-FUCK FUCK _FUCK_ , K4RK4HHHMNNPH..! <3  
TEREZI: G3T DOWN, G3T B4CK DOWN, 1'M GONN4 CUM..!!!  
TEREZI: YOU'R3 G3TT1NG 1T ON YOUR F4C3! >:O  
KARKAT: I-I AM..?!

He asks out of disbelief more than anything. Flattery, maybe? Is he worth being a geneslime pail to this girl? Maybe on another day he would beat himself up over this train of thought. Not today. Today, Karkat Vantas is good enough. He will be a sperm dumpster for this woman, because he is worth it. Terezi sits up, hand clasped in a death grip around her cock, reasserting herself as lord of the game as Karkat eagerly presents his adorable, scruffy face. With only a couple of embarrassing vocalizations from Terezi's throat, she finally crashes. Thick, heavy teal-white globs fire in jets one by one, splattering onto Karkat's face, feeling like they'd be burning if his cheeks weren't already just as sizzling hot. He behaves himself and stays still, eyes shut and just trusting her, accepting the “gift” from the girl as she crudely hunches over him and her face twists up in a wrinkly, unflattering grimace of shameless pleasure. She's calling him something now, but he can't hear her.

.  
.  
.

Karkat just inhales, holds as the long, sloppy tongue brushes up his cheek, and then exhales, still unable to get the shiver out of his breath. He's curled up, lying on Terezi on the couch while she cleans him up, the mess-maker making sure that he eats his share as well.

TEREZI: F33L1NG 4NY B3TT3R?  
KARKAT: YEAH. HEADACHE'S GONE. ARE YOU DOING OKAY, OR DO WE NEED TO ADMINISTER THE SAME MEDICINE..?  
TEREZI: 1'M M4N4G1NG JUST F1N3!  
KARKAT: OH.  
TEREZI: ...BUT YOU'D B3TT3R NOT B3 UND3R TH3 1MPR3SS1ON TH4T YOU'R3 3SC4P1NG TH1S H1V3 W1THOUT G1V1NG M3 4 C4NDY R3D SN4CK >;]  
KARKAT: (;B  
TEREZI: 1F YOU F33L L1K3 YOU N33D TO DROWN OUT TH3 NO1S3 4G41N SOM3T1M3, L3T'S H4NG OUT, K4RK4T  
TEREZI: 3V3N JUST, Y'KNOW, R3GUL4R STYL3  
TEREZI: W1THOUT G1V1NG YOU "M3D1C1N3" H4H4 >:]  
KARKAT: I'D REALLY LIKE THAT, TEREZI.

Terezi giggles with a sick little grin, brushing a hand along Karkat's mussed face.

TEREZI: HMMM  
TEREZI: M4YB3 N3XT T1M3 JUN3 C4N H3LP YOU R3L4X 1NST34D? >;]  
KARKAT: H-HUH..?  
TEREZI: JUST 1M4G1N3 WH4T P3OPL3 4R3 GONN4 S4Y WH3N TH3Y H34R HOW MUCH K4RK4T V4NT4S LOV3S SUCK1NG GLOB3S >:o  
KARKAT: TEREZI..!  
TEREZI: HU3H3H3H <3

They look into each other's faces for a moment, covered in sweat, soda residue, sugary drink stains, slobber, tears, and thick teal goop. They close the gap, just for a moment. No throb. No noise. At least for a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I think that was basically my first actual fanfic? It was meant to be like a quarter of the length, but I just started writing these two and didn't stop, oopsa doopsa!
> 
> I just really wanted to play around with writing dialogue between these friends, and explore a bit of what kind of meta-cognition problems Karkat and Terezi would encounter, and most of all I wanted to convey what exactly I love so much about Karkat Vantas <3
> 
> I'd love to hear what you think!


	2. Epiligue




End file.
